I am ABSOLUTELY an Imposter....

What is imposter syndrome? "Doubting your abilities and feeling like a fraud," according to a quick google search. AKA, story of my life. I rarely have ever been given praise and actually believed that I deserve it. Everything that I have accomplished I blow off and say that I was lucky or something along those lines. I completely have imposter syndrome, let's talk about it. 

I took this "Impostor Phenomenon Rating Scale" test and scored a whopping 80. Now most would think "wow an 80 what a high score, she's awesome!" well I am kind of cool, but in this situation you actually want to have a low score. I scored around the area of frequent imposter syndrome feelings and intense feelings of imposter syndrome.... Sadly I would say that this is very accurate for me. I struggle everyday to think that I actually have a brain and that anything I do is actually worth anything. I can't compliment myself, I hate being complimented because I feel like the other person is lying to me or pities me or wants a compliment in return. Basically anything positive that happens in my life I just wait for the other shoe to drop/ say that I am lucky. For the past year and a half at this point I have been waiting for Ashton Kutcher to run out from behind a corner and say "You just got Punk'd!" To my surprise, this has not happened yet. I'm about to walk across a stage to get my OT white coat and then during my level 2 fieldwork rotation I am expected to manage a case load by myself?! I am terrified! As someone that doesn't believe that she belongs in the program, I'm stressed. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so I'll just go with the flow and see what happens. So far, I have been to therapy (like actively attending a session weekly for a few months) twice because of my racing thoughts/anxiety/self-esteem/depression and unfortunately I quit before we can get to the part of addressing my actual issues. I know this is a problem for me, but I don't believe that I am worth fixing my issues. Which is an issue in itself haha. I have problems. Hopefully I don't misrepresent my school's program by being an idiot because this truly keeps me up at night. I'm so scared..... To end on a happy note, I am very excited for this rotation too. I'm pumped to learn and see so much! I allowed myself to have a fun selection and a not so fun selection when selecting fieldwork sites. This is my "fun" rotation so deep down I am very pumped, but man I'm scared. Excited and scared and an 80 on the imposter rating scale. That's me. The end. 

Locus of Control

Locus of Control- OT 630

    Upon getting my results back I don't really agree with them. It says that I am a person who has a score of an 18 believes more on the side of external locus of control. I think this exam is based on perspective in a way... Let me try to explain...

    Me personally, I believe that in my own world my actions reflect me and my successes/failures but when looking at a global scale it's more on the people in charge. The video we watched about this kept using the example that a person more on the external locus of control side would blame everyone else if they failed to graduate or get a promotion. This person would blame the teachers for failing to teach him/her or that the boss promoted someone else just because of favoritism. I don't think this way all. On the contrary while I was failing my anatomy course I put the blame on myself because I clearly didn't put in enough hard work to accomplish better grades. I do try to be gentle with myself and remember that I had just moved into a new city not knowing anyone so I lacked any emotional support and that I leaped back into school after having a year and a half off. I did have other factors going on in my personal life but at the end of each day I knew that only my daily actions could change anything. So maybe this example is somewhere in the middle?

    I do believe that we the general public people have zero say in government policies and that people in positions of power stepped on anyone and everyone they could to get to where they are. To try to build off of this I'm going to refer to the options in #3 "a.) One of the major reasons why we have wars is because people don't take enough interest in politics. b.) There will always be wars, no matter how hard people try to prevent them." I selected option b because war is a money maker for our nation, so in my opinion/view I believe we will always and forever be in some type of war. *spoiler* A movie recently released called "Without Remorse" and basically at the end of this movie a politician says that he was trying to create a fake war with (I think I remember correctly) Russia to instill fear in our nation as a way to unite us together and help the economy. Obviously there is more to it but that's the gist of it. I point this out because this movie had nothing to do with people caring about politics at all. It was just one corrupted human in a position of power deciding we weren't doing enough for our nation and so we need war. People can care about politics all-day, everyday but that does not mean change will happen. Let's quickly reflect on 2020 with all the political chaos.... Has the police been defunded yet? Nope. Was there a ton of care and interest during that time and into the future? Heck yea. So I have a hard time trusting those in power. Another example that could be debated would be #8 "a.) Heredity plays the major role in determining one's personality b.) It is one's experiences in life which determine what they're like." I selected b that one's experiences in life determine what they are like. I think this is true yes but also I know through science that genetics and heredity can play a role in someone's personality when considering schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, etc..

    I don't like quizzes like this that try to put your entire view on things down to an A or B option because it's perspective and could depend on your current mood when reviewing it. What if someone took this right after being declined a promotion, I'm sure that person would have a bit of a chip on his/her shoulder and would have a different selection of answers if they did get the promotion. If I were to take this during a depressive period my answers would be completely different rather than when I passed my anatomy class. (YAY). I don't know if I did a fantastic job explaining my thoughts and feelings regarding this topic. It's a tricky topic to explain through just typing out words. But hopefully I gave some thought provoking points to think about over time. Thanks for reading. :)

Media Project- Maurice- Gloves

My client is an 83 year old man diagnosed with Parkinson's disease.

I wouldn't really say that during this assignment I had specifically an "Ah-Ha" moment. There was never a light bulb that went off in my head. I think that might have been because of my chosen object. I looked through the list of all the students and had better ideas for some other objects but maybe I just had a mental block because I was overthinking for my personal assignment. You know like sometimes it is easier to help someone else out like the answer is so simple through your eyes but when it comes to your life/perspective you have "blinders" on and can't see past what the object is. I mulled over gloves for a long time, thinking to myself that there is no other possible use of gloves than to wear them when it's cold. Well that's not really true, my mom wears them when she's cutting up jalapeños cause she doesn't want the "juices" to get in her finger creases and then possibly in her eye; doctors wear them during exams; and even my dentist when I was younger would blow gloves up and draw faces on them as a "gift" to take home. Gloves have multiple purposes. Who knew?

A take away from this assignment is for me to take off my "blinders" I need to stop seeing everyday basic objects as their single given purpose. I don't have a very creative mind, I would say that I am a very "in the box" thinker. So after this assignment I need to start seeing objects as things as more than the given reason. I think this is a valuable assignment because it proves that you do not have to spend a lot of money for assistive technology or therapy intervention. This will stay with me as an OT because I know I will have a budget and will need to be creative and crafty coming up with simple solutions using everyday items.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkepXS2j-F4

The Theory of Everything- Neuro Note #5

Marsh, J. (2014). The Theory of everything. United States: Universal Pictures.

So this movie is about the late Stephen Hawking. It has its ups and downs. It starts off with him as a student at the University of Cambridge. He meets this woman that will soon become his wife, Jane Wilde. It ends years later after he meet the queen of England with his ex-wife and kids. Shortly after meeting Jane at the age of 21 he gets diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS). This disease effects your motor neurons that control voluntary muscle movements. Stephen asked the doctors how his body would change and his doctor made it clear that his muscles would deteriorate but that his mind will stay the same. He also was told that he would only live about 2 more years.... Wow, two more years to live at the age of 21... Yep I cried. All wasn't lost for Stephen though, after some time I suppose he came to peace with this diagnosis and he kept working on his physicist work about "the theory of everything", the beginning of time, the theory of how everything was created. Spoiler, Stephen become a very famous physicist and lived much longer than the 2 years he was given. Screw time huh Stephen.

There was a specific moment in the movie that made me think, "Yep I want to help someone have that moment right there." It was after his second child was born. Jane had Stephen's arms up on a table in the shape of a circle and she laid his daughter in his arms. That was how he had to hold his child. Broke my heart but also made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. To help someone hold their newborn child, yea that seems pretty rewarding.

There was another moment, when Elaine walked in and blew him away. She had a letter board that was supposed to help Stephen communicate since he could no longer talk. She memorized where all the letters were located on the board and Stephen was able to communicate with her without having to use the board, he could just move his eyes around. She also didn't treat him as a victim which I'm sure was a welcomed feeling for Stephen. Everyone around him seemed to treat him as if he was made of glass since his diagnosis and beating the 2 year time limit he was given. This is something I think OTs and other health care providers should remember. Their client/patient was someone before their diagnosis and want to be treated the same as before. Always remember to look past the diagnosis and see the person you're caring for. Should we call that "The Theory of Caregiving"??

Myasthenia Gravis- Neuro Note #4

Carter, B. (2014, October 23). Sheryl and myasthenia gravis: how I cope! YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZU2nTf6_cc

This video was about Sherly, a 16 year old girl with myasthenia gravis. Myasthenia gravis is a chronic autoimmune neuromuscular disease that weakens the voluntary skeletal muscles over time. She talks about medications that can help her disease and other medications that might help someone else. She also talks about how she can stay in communication with her friends in school like through social media, text, FaceTime, etc. She makes it known that she can still do normal everyday things like taking her little sister for short walks. It just takes her a while to recover from the activity. She even gets involved with her staff members with paintings.

This video taught me a little bit about what myasthenia gravis is and even showed me that someone with this disease can still live a complete and fulfilling life. She is still involved with her sports team by cheering them on, she gets to go on vacations and she has a successful social life. Although her life doesn't look the exact same as the "average" 16 year old in high school she still gets to experience pretty much everything that all the 16 year old girls get to do.

20 Year Old in a Nursing Home- Huntington's Disease_ Neuro Note #3

Butz, D. (2018, March 29). From high school to nursing home: 20-year-old learns to cope with fatal disease. Sioux City Journal. https://siouxcityjournal.com/lifestyles/health-med-fit/from-high-school-to-nursing-home--year-old-learns/article_06dd5b66-dd55-52ee-864d-c54b7be8d324.html

Huntington's disease is something that isn't new to Desiree's family. This disease has taken her mother's and grandmother's life. At the age of 18 Desiree started to experience pains and weakness in her limbs. In 2016 she was moved to a skilled nursing facility when daily activities became an everyday struggle for her. She spent some of her time playing PlayStation to help maintain hand and finger movement. Desiree had a wonderful staff on her side that did whatever they could to give her a childhood she never had by taking her on trips around the city. The staff and townspeople held fundraisers in her honor, so that Desiree could complete her number one bucket list item. Although the number one dream couldn't be achieved, they were able to schedule and raise money to let Desiree go to Disney. Desiree was able to go see the beach for the first time and was able to ride the rides while also seeing the Disney princesses. 

I picked this article because I don't know much about Huntington's Disease so I was hoping this would tell me more about this disease itself. Also I am 24 years old so the title and the thought of being a 20 year old in a nursing facility caught my eye. Although I did not learn much about Huntington's Disease itself this is a story that I will forget about anytime soon. The take away will be to appreciate the little things in life to enjoy the small things. I'm sure it was a hard experience for the staff having to take care of someone who's time will be cut short and definitely hard for her family having to watch this disease take another loved one from them. Do what you can to make to those you care for happy.

"Deny, Cope, or Thrive"- TEDTalk: MS- Neuro Note 2

Buxhoeveden, S. (2015, April 3). Thriving in the face of adversity. TEDTalk.

Stephanie was 25 years old, a neurosurgical intensive care nurse and enrolled in a program to become a nurse anesthetist (the person that injects you with anesthesia). One day while she was working out she noticed her foot go numb and it progressed up her leg as time went on. Being a driven person focused on her end goal and not current problems she ignored this and carried on with her day to day life (I probably would have done the same thing honestly.) As time went on she finally got her moment in school. She was going to get to be in an operating room and was going to administer anesthesia. (Woot-Woot! Big day!) That morning she was getting dressed and still couldn't feel her legs, she got to work and before things got too busy at the hospital she noticed that one of her arms went numb and her vision started to go away. So she finally called her instructor and told her what was going on with her body. Her instructor told Stephanie to go to the ER which was very close to her. She got admitted and stayed for a week... She was then diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS). Lucky for her though it's relapsing remitting MS and not progressive. She takes medicine and has adaptive equipment to help her with pain management and daily struggles. One day while she was in the hospital her nurse mentioned not liking neurology, which Stephanie loves neurology. So Stephanie chatted with her for a while and showed the nurse some cool stuff. The next day the nurse came back with a new fire within her about neurology. Seeing that change in a person lit a fire within her. Stephanie changed careers and became a nurse practitioner working with other MS patients. After some time went by she noticed that a lot of her patients had the same questions about what to do after being diagnosed. So she started a website about answering the questions and sharing her story as a fighter as a way to help educate those who do not have access to specialists or those that could be in the dark about their own personal care.... Wow what a woman! 

My uncle passed away when I was (I believe) in 8th grade (maybe 7th grade). My family seemed to have 3 back to back to back deaths around that time. They were all unfortunately kind of expected, one simply from old age, one from Alzheimers, and one from MS. My uncle had been diagnosed with  MS years before (again I was young during this time and I don't remember the timeline very well). I do remember clearly my family speaking so incredibly highly of my uncle I can't even describe the amazing things they would say about this man. He was an incredibly hard worker and didn't ask for anything in return- life is cruel sometimes. At the time (I was like 13 so forgive me for not cherishing moments more) I didn't really paid close attention to the words people said, but they never left my brain. He always seems to come to mind when I think life is getting hard for me or if there is a task that needs to be done. He just pops up in my head randomly, I think I have modeled my work ethics after him and my father (two very driven/hardworking men that you could count on). As I got older and became more interested in the medical field MS became a topic that just never seemed to go away no matter how much I wanted to ignore it because I don't want to think about the pain he felt or other struggles he dealt with within his body. And once I learned that it's an autoimmune disease that attacks the sheath around your nerves disabling communication within your body, and your body slowly just kind of quits on you. My heart broke in half because I cannot imagine the amount of pain my uncle probably experienced for years, and he probably never really complained either. What a man!

I wanted to hear the story from someone else. I wanted to hear someone else's experience. I need to learn that not every story is going to be like my uncle's and that people do indeed have successful lives after this diagnosis.

What I am taking away/ gained from this content is that it is time for me to grow up. I picked this topic simply because I need to start facing MS and other diseases that have affected my family head on and to stop being a child and ignoring them. I honestly did not know that there were two types of MS one being progressive and one being relapsing remitting. I kind of thought that they were all what my uncle experienced. Learning about relapsing remitting MS has given me hope for those out there battling with this disease. I gained more internal "strength" and maybe not as much knowledge after this but both will be carried on with me through my journey.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuLOT6GsAxw